fpua pt 3: you are awesome and you don't give a fuck

So. How do you pick up a guy? Easy. Look totally hot and kinda slutty. Wear lots of shiny lip gloss and get big fake bubble tits and laugh a lot, making sure to part your lips in the prelude-to-a-cock shape and getting your gazongas to jiggle convulsively.

And if that's not a viable option - well, there are nuances, but the two most important components of the game are 1) knowing you are awesome, and 2) not giving a fuck.

The not giving a fuck part isn't easy. So many of us are programmed to consider "what people will think." Well, I can tell you that, most of the time, people are too self-absorbed and worried about what others think of them to notice what anyone else is doing. (Exceptions to that tend to be the kinds of displays that only happen when you already don't give a fuck; either 'cause you're drunk or 'cause you're just cool like that.)

There is a great mind trick that I learned from The Game. Works on job interviews, too, sometimes. Pretend it's a video game. None of it is real. If it gets annoying or if it stops being fun, you can always unplug it and leave. So don't give a fuck. Experiment. Do things that don't "fit" with your personality. In truth, there is very little you can do while sober that will really make people think badly of you.

Think about it. What's WRONG with smiling at a stranger? What's WRONG with saying "hi"? What's WRONG with joking or being a little outrageous or even shocking? Don't punch him in the dick, don't puke on his shoes and don't diss his peeps. Other than that, you're pretty much okay. So, really - don't give a fuck.

The other one is harder. Believing you're awesome. Intrinsic self-worth is a much bigger subject than I am prepared to tackle - many, MANY books have been written about it - so I'll just give you a couple of shortcuts.

You don't build a sense of self-worth overnight. What does help - in the short-term, anyway - is positive feedback from other people; feeling that you are liked. Irony is, your interpretation of other people's signals is influenced by how you feel about yourself at any given time.

So you are going to trick yourself. Whatever you feel you look like, I want you to make yourself look AWESOME. Put on the cute outfit, the nice shoes. Do the hair, the makeup, the nails. (Enlist a non-bitchy friend or two to help if hair/makeup isn't your forte. Besides substantive assisting, they'll make you feel pretty.) Get rid of the unwanted hair, even if it's winter and you're not planning to get laid - it'll make you FEEL sexier if you know you're homemade-porn ready under your clothes.

Also - this is advice that I wish someone had given me when I was younger - try to be as physically comfortable as possible. If the shoes hurt, don't wear them. If you feel the dress is too tight, you will feel that it looks too tight (even if it doesn't). You will be fidgety and a little bit stresses out and you will project unease.

Of course, this is a question of what you're used to and what you don't mind. For example, I'm okay with being poked by a push-up bra or corset all night; but put me in a pair of tight shoes, and I turn into an irritable bitch who just wants to go home. Other girls have no problem with tight shoes, but turn spastic over tight jeans and real or imagined muffin-top. We all have our hang-ups.

(Note: if I were a mathematician, I bet I could come up with some sort of equation of physical comfort and aesthetic self-enjoyment as they relate to one's general confidence level. Thing is, if you look REALLY, REALLY friggen hot, no amount of physical pain will take the wind out of your sails. We've all had nights when our feet were killing us, the chandelier earrings were pulling our earlobes out and our contacts made our eyes itchy - and yet, we looked fucking hot and we knew it, we were total rock star divas and left the place with several numbers and a dozen hearts in our pockets. And bleeding pinky toes. But who cares?)

If you leave the house feeling physically comfortable and prettier than usual, you will be "in the zone." You will exude a confidence and general buoyancy that will make people respond favorably to you. Men and women. People like to be around happy, bubbly people. Be the happy, bubbly one. And recognize that every smile, every glance, every compliment is a tribute to your AWESOMENESS. Revel in it. Enjoy it.

At the same time, if, by some misalignment of the stars, people aren't giving you the love you deserve, do NOT presume this is a refutation of your AWESOMENESS. (Yes, all caps.) Who knows what the hell is up - maybe there was an epidemic of cat deaths or a comic book store closed or maybe Uranus is in retrograde and everyone is constipated - who knows, who cares. You are AWESOME.

Sounds a little silly, but it really helps. VERBALIZE it to yourself (not necessarily out loud). Remind yourself of everything you've accomplished and everything you have going for you, whether it's professional success or good friends or really shiny hair. It doesn't matter, just think positive things about yourself. OFTEN. Do NOT dwell on negatives.

And if you do get a crisis of confidence - remember, you don't give a fuck. Who cares what these people think? There are millions of men out there - even if you alienate a few of them completely (surprisingly difficult to do, btw), you've got LOTS more chances.

Incidentally. I would be doing you a disservice if I did not tell you that one thing that will help you feel better about yourself is . . . actually improving yourself. Losing weight, getting good at something, attaining some sort of success, reaching some sort of goal. Measurable, objective self-improvement will go a lot further when it comes to enhanced self-esteem than any amount of rah-rah psychobabble. And bringing yourself objectively closer to the female ideal will definitely expand the pool of men you can score just by walking into a room. But I'm assuming you already know that; and also, that you realize an ideal is inherently unreachable. (Although not nearly as unreachable as some lazy, complacent people would have you believe.)

Love yourself, but be honest with yourself. Try to be the best YOU you can be - in the long-term and the short-term. And, ultimately, no matter what, remember: you are awesome, and you don't give a fuck.

Repeat as needed.